“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed” ~ Isaiah 53:5
I’ve had a few breakups during my life time. Some less tragic than others; but at the end of each one, I came to realize that I lost a piece of myself. Each breakup required that I go into solitude and consider the time spent in the relationship and what went wrong. Naturally, at least for me, it was during those moments of solitude that I would begin to ask questions: ‘Was I not pretty enough?’ ‘Did I not say the right things?’ ‘Did I not dress the right way?’ Or my all time favorite ‘Was I not freaky enough?’ I spent precious time in solitude thinking if only I had done this, then maybe he would not have left me. #Tragic
But the reality of that scenario was that each and every single time I took sole responsibility for what went wrong, letting the man off the hook, while simultaneously, without even realizing it, telling myself that I was not enough; and this time was no different. I asked all of the same questions as before and then some, and slowly began to fall back into that old familiar pattern until the God in me said, ‘No more!’ No more taking sole responsibility because the fact is none of it was solely my fault and the part that was my fault had nothing to do with looks, nothing to do with style, nothing to do with speech and nothing to do with sex. No, the reality of the situation was this; I continued to place a question mark where God was trying to put a period. OUCH!! If I can be honest for a moment (mostly with myself), God had been trying to close that door for years and my insecurities, my fear, and my unwillingness to start a fresh with someone else, returned to said door and politely opened it yet again; not once, not twice, but three times! Well, you what they say, ‘the third time is a charm’ and once the door closed again I immediately purposed in my spirit that I would not open it again. If it were to be opened, God would be the one to open it. My responsibility was to stand naked before God and ask him to heal me – ‘by His stripes I am healed.’ Heal me of my insecurities. Heal me from fear of rejection. Heal me of fear. Heal me from the lies I allowed my enemy to place in my mind. And every day I remind myself that I am Healed!
Of course the healing process was not complete overnight. Truthfully, I am still going through my healing process; and the first step was to forgive him; forgive that I may be forgiven. ‘For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (New King James Version Matthew 6:14). I recognize that forgiving him is for me and as long as I harbored unforgiveness and anger in my heart I would be unable to move forward in my healing process. So I released him and those negative feelings into God’s capable hands. I will admit, I am disappointed and quite honestly I still don’t understand. But unforgiveness is not hindering my healing process.
Secondly, I had to look deep within through prayer and meditation and ask God to show me what it was about me that was keeping me from the love I desired and am worthy of. And you know what he showed me? He showed me that my life was full of clutter. I loved a man who left me confused, uncertain and frustrated about the relationship. My life was full of the clutter of habits, hang-ups and fear. I had convinced myself that he was a good man, which he was, but he obviously wasn’t the right man for me. So I’ve begun to de-clutter my life of those negative thoughts and habits that the enemy tries to place in my spirit daily but countering the enemy’s attempts with what God says about me:
‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’ ~ Psalm 139:14
‘I am the apple of God’s eye.’ ~ Psalm 17:8
‘He will never leave me nor forsake me.’ ~ Deuteronomy 31:6
‘No weapon formed against me shall prosper.’ ~ Isaiah 54:17
‘For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.’ ~ 2 Timothy 1:7
‘God is not the author of confusion.’ ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33
Just as Jesus did when he was in the wilderness, every time the enemy tries to tell me something false, I give him the truth – God’s Truth!
Third, I began to walk in my truths. For far too long I allowed someone else’s truth to dictate the tone of the relationship. I hid my truths for fear of causing discord in the relationship. But the fact is, by doing so I caused discord within myself. But I am reminded of a quote I saw, “I’ve learned…..I feel most at peace when I speak my truth, lovingly and unapologetically.”
Lastly, on this journey of healing, I am rediscovering me. I am rediscovering all of the things I love about me and working on changing those things I don’t like about me. I am rediscovering my quirkiness, my weirdness and my uniqueness; all of the things that make me, me. See, I was created in His image which means I am Royalty. I am a Queen waiting on the arrival of her King.