Monthly Archives: April 2015

Did I Really Wait?

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I thought I would revisit this place called waiting.  I mentioned previously that it feels like I’ve been waiting on my husband for an eternity.  An eternity because it was May 2001 when I believe I heard God’s voice tell me that I would be married.  See, my relationship of 15 years had just ended.  That is not a typo by the way; I was in a relationship (not marriage) for 15 years.  He was a wonderful man.  He would have given me the world.  Treated me like an absolute princess.  But there was one tiny problem; he did not want to get married.  He was very comfortable with the way things were between us; but I was not.  So we parted ways and I was devastated.  I loved this man.  I wanted to spend my life with this man. But it did not work out that way.  About a week after this devastating breakup I was sitting on my porch one early spring morning praying and I told God I wanted to be married.  Now I don’t make it a habit to go around saying God speaks to me every day and I hear him.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I heard the voice of God audibly and this was one of those times.  Just as clear as I can hear myself speak I heard God say, “You will be married; just not right now.”  Ok, that was almost 14 years ago and here I am still single…unmarried….never been married.  Now, I feel some kind of way about that.  I have those well meaning friends and family members who try to convince me that I’m better off single.  There are those that say God is keeping me to himself because I’m so special.  And still others who say don’t rush it.  And every time someone utters those phrases to me I really want to draw back and smack them into the middle of next week.  I’m not violent, really I’m not. But what I find so funny about it is that everyone who has said something crazy like that to me is married and has been married for many years.  Some of them are working on their second and third marriages.  But when people say those things to me my responses are always the same:  If I’m so better off single why are you not running to divorce court so you too can be single?  So God is keeping me to himself because he thinks I’m so special; so that means he thinks you are….not special? When you say don’t rush, do you think I’m 20 years old and haven’t a clue?  I know they mean well but sometimes, some things are just better left unsaid.

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So I have been waiting on God to send my husband, or so I think.  Actually I haven’t been waiting at all.  What I mean by that is since the demise of my 15 year relationship I have entered into three other relationships, and I think it’s safe to say not one of those was sent by God.  I guess what I’m saying is if I were truly waiting then I would have honored God with my body and not engaged in sexual relations with these men until marriage or until I at least was sure of their intention.  But I did not do that either.  I met a guy…liked the guy….started dating the guy….and had sex with the guy.  And while some would argue the point, how else am I going to meet my husband if we don’t date? My point is that I’ve been doing the dating thing wrong.  Men and women who are dating have no commitment to consider marrying the other person.  Dating is simply going out, having a good time, and getting to know the person.  Dating does not involve sex, or at least it shouldn’t involve sex.  In dating I am free to date as many people as I want because I’m exploring.  In some cases a person’s maturity level and his readiness for marriage are not even considered in dating.  Men and women date simply to just have fun.  On the other hand, a courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry one another (I will address the topic if God actually does tell us who to marry in a later blog).  What I’ve been doing for the last 14 years is having fun and having sex. In my mind it was the right way. In my mind I was dating with a purpose…marriage.  But the only thing I’ve done is set the stage to be hurt.

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But bless the name of the Lord who ‘Heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds’ (NIV Psalm 147:3). As I travel this road of healing I have purposed in my spirit that this time I will wait. While I am waiting I will date. But I have changed the way I see dating.  I will date to get to know people. I will let it be known that I am dating which means I will go out with other people, until that one man whose eye I catch indicates that he wants more; at which point we will begin to court one another. It is then that we as a couple will enter the umbrella of protection, guidance, and blessing of our families and begin to develop a deep friendship that could lead to marriage, as together we discern through prayer and seeking God’s guidance,  if we are truly ready for marriage.   It is said hindsight is 20/20.  Oh how I wish I had this knowledge 13 years ago.

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The Lady In Waiting

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‘He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord’ (NIV Proverbs 18:22)

I am a lady in waiting.  Webster’s dictionary defines a lady in waiting as a woman whose job is to provide help to a queen or princess.  Well, I’m not exactly that sort of lady in waiting, but I am a lady who is waiting on God to send her husband.  It feels like I’ve been in waiting for an eternity. But the reality is I have not. In fact, if I can take my halo off for a moment and be frank, I haven’t waited at all.  The bible says in Isaiah 40:31, ‘but those who hope (wait) on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ Another passage of scripture reads, ‘Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord’ (NIV Psalm 27:14).  Both of these passages aim to teach us to trust God and wait on him–wait for His perfect timing.  But waiting is not for the faint of heart.  It’s challenging. It’s hard.  It can be lonely.

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But what exactly does it mean to wait?  As a woman waiting on God to send her husband, what should I be doing?  Before I answer those questions may I just be candid for a moment? All I have ever wanted to do is be a wife. But instead, I’ve retired from the military; I’m working on my second retirement; I’ve purchased a home; I’ve traveled the world; I’ve graduated from college; I pledged a sorority and a slew of other things. All of these things are great! I’m proud of my accomplishments and I bless God for the beautiful life that I have. But I don’t want to do another thing….but be Mrs. Future!! Forgive me, I digressed. So what is a woman to do while waiting? I’m glad you asked.

  • Pray – ‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God’ (NKJV Philippians 4:6). Prayer is our greatest Christian privilege.  Prayer is also a gift from God that should not be taken for granted.  Prayer invites God into every situation we will face.   When we pray, God gives us peace, joy and hope.  When we pray we are acknowledging that we need God. We are acknowledging that we cannot do this without him.  I cannot patiently wait on my husband without asking God for the strength and power to wait and the grace to trust him while I wait.  I pray for my husband. I pray that God will do a work in me that I may be a godly wife. And I pray that God will give us the grace, one for another.  I know and believe that prayer works.  So I will continue to pray while I wait on my husband.
  • Trust – ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight’ (NIV Proverbs 3:5-6). While I am waiting I am trusting that God will keep his promises to me.  I believe God told me that I will be married.  He never said when, he just said I would be.  And since God’s track record is solid with me, I have complete trust that in my time of waiting he is not only preparing me but also preparing my husband.
  • Expect – As I wait for God to move, I am expectant. I am hopeful. I believe the day I cross paths with my husband is not far off. This type of waiting isn’t passive.  I wake up with a heart full of hope every day. I expect to God to reveal who my husband is every single day.  I may wait and wait and wait, but my suddenly…..the day my prayer is answered….will happen.
  • Have Faith – I cannot expect God to give me what I’ve prayed if I do not have the faith that it will come to pass. ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’ (NKJV Hebrews 11:1).   I believe that I will be married.  And while I am waiting on God to bring it to pass I will continue to serve Him.  While I am waiting on God I will continue to trust Him.  While I am waiting on God I will continue to enjoy the beautiful life that he has already blessed me with, being grateful for everything. I will allow God to continue to break me and mold me that I may be ready to take on the amazing role of a wife.

As I continue to patient and expectantly wait on God to move on my behalf God will continue to grow me and strengthen me.  In addition, he will also give a sweet peace that surpasses all understanding.  A peace that will keep me when I am lonely.  A peace that will silence all negative thinking.  A peace that says no matter what I know God will be with me.  I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop believing.  I will wait full of hope and expectation.  I know that God is powerful and he will break through for me.

My Journey to Healing

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“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed” ~ Isaiah 53:5

I’ve had a few breakups during my life time.  Some less tragic than others; but at the end of each one, I came to realize that I lost a piece of myself.  Each breakup required that I go into solitude and consider the time spent in the relationship and what went wrong. Naturally, at least for me, it was during those moments of solitude that I would begin to ask questions: ‘Was I not pretty enough?’ ‘Did I not say the right things?’ ‘Did I not dress the right way?’ Or my all time favorite ‘Was I not freaky enough?’  I spent precious time in solitude thinking if only I had done this, then maybe he would not have left me.  #Tragic

But the reality of that scenario was that each and every single time I took sole responsibility for what went wrong, letting the man off the hook, while simultaneously, without even realizing it, telling myself that I was not enough; and this time was no different.  I asked all of the same questions as before and then some, and slowly began to fall back into that old familiar pattern until the God in me said, ‘No more!’ No more taking sole responsibility because the fact is none of it was solely my fault and the part that was my fault had nothing to do with looks, nothing to do with style, nothing to do with speech and nothing to do with sex. No, the reality of the situation was this; I continued to place a question mark where God was trying to put a period. OUCH!!  If I can be honest for a moment (mostly with myself), God had been trying to close that door for years and my insecurities, my fear, and my unwillingness to start a fresh with someone else, returned to said door and politely opened it yet again; not once, not twice, but three times! Well, you what they say, ‘the third time is a charm’ and once the door closed again I immediately purposed in my spirit that I would not open it again.  If it were to be opened, God would be the one to open it.  My responsibility was to stand naked before God and ask him to heal me – ‘by His stripes I am healed.’ Heal me of my insecurities. Heal me from fear of rejection. Heal me of fear. Heal me from the lies I allowed my enemy to place in my mind. And every day I remind myself that I am Healed!

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Of course the healing process was not complete overnight.  Truthfully, I am still going through my healing process; and the first step was to forgive him; forgive that I may be forgiven. ‘For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (New King James Version Matthew 6:14).  I recognize that forgiving him is for me and as long as I harbored unforgiveness and anger in my heart I would be unable to move forward in my healing process.  So I released him and those negative feelings into God’s capable hands.  I will admit, I am disappointed and quite honestly I still don’t understand.  But unforgiveness is not hindering my healing process.

Secondly, I had to look deep within through prayer and meditation and ask God to show me what it was about me that was keeping me from the love I desired and am worthy of.  And you know what he showed me?  He showed me that my life was full of clutter.  I loved a man who left me confused, uncertain and frustrated about the relationship.  My life was full of the clutter of habits, hang-ups and fear.  I had convinced myself that he was a good man, which he was, but he obviously wasn’t the right man for me.  So I’ve begun to de-clutter my life of those negative thoughts and habits that the enemy tries to place in my spirit daily but countering the enemy’s attempts with what God says about me:

‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’ ~ Psalm 139:14

‘I am the apple of God’s eye.’ ~         Psalm 17:8

‘He will never leave me nor forsake me.’  ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

‘No weapon formed against me shall prosper.’  ~ Isaiah 54:17

‘For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.’  ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

‘God is not the author of confusion.’  ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

Just as Jesus did when he was in the wilderness, every time the enemy tries to tell me something false, I give him the truth – God’s Truth!

Third, I began to walk in my truths. For far too long I allowed someone else’s truth to dictate the tone of the relationship.  I hid my truths for fear of causing discord in the relationship.  But the fact is, by doing so I caused discord within myself.  But I am reminded of a quote I saw, “I’ve learned…..I feel most at peace when I speak my truth, lovingly and unapologetically.”

Lastly, on this journey of healing, I am rediscovering me.  I am rediscovering all of the things I love about me and working on changing those things I don’t like about me. I am rediscovering my quirkiness, my weirdness and my uniqueness; all of the things that make me, me.  See, I was created in His image which means I am Royalty.  I am a Queen waiting on the arrival of her King.

I Won’t Look Back

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Hello! Welcome to my very first blog!!  I am thrilled that you decided to stop by.  Please feel free to pour yourself a cup of your favorite beverage, prop your feet up, and enjoy!

This is my first attempt at blogging and I have to admit I was a bit freaked out about it. Why? I am not exactly sure.  I love to write and I journal often. So I could not for the life of me come up with an intelligent response to the question, “Why am I afraid of blogging?” Initially, anyway.  But after mulling it over a bit I finally realized that the reason I was so terrified at the thought of blogging is I had no idea what I would blog about.  Sure, there are a slew of hot button topics I have an opinion about, but nothing that warranted me actually taking the time out of my daily routine to write about.  But, after careful consideration of my life and where I am on this journey, I realized I would use the blogging 10-day challenge to express my thoughts on dating, love, heartbreak and marriage.  I mean, it is a topic I have a great deal to say about.  It is something I am passionate about. And as fate would have it, I find myself wondering why I seem to be losing at the game of love.

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Some would say I have not lost. In fact, Alfred Lord Tennison would surely agree I’ve not lost at love since he  believed, “Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.” And while that may be true, losing to me goes much deeper than never having experienced love.  Losing to me means I have yet to experience the joy of my wedding day. I don’t know what it feels like to stand across from the man that chose me as the one with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  Instead I find myself fighting through the thoughts of not being enough as I grasp the reality that no man I’ve dated as obviously ever thought I was enough to make his wife. So I adamantly disagree with Mr. Tennison and others.  I have lost..in my mind; and as the decades continue to pass me by I find myself asking God, ‘Why?’ ‘Why am I still single?” “Why has another man taken from me and then simply walked away?” “Why has marriage so fiercely eluded me when I know I heard your voice say, ‘you will be married’?”

So here I am, single yet again. Wounded and on the road of healing. But this time is different. This time there is a feeling of determination to stand in front of the mirror, free of the masks…free of pre-conceived notions…free from my past…and allow God to do in me what needs to be done to prepare me for my King.  Yes, this time is different; and I will fight through wanting to look back so that I may instead get ahead.