Phobia of Commitment


fear of committmentAs I continue on my journey of healing, rediscovering who I am, and growing into the woman God designed me to be, I also have to take those long hard looks at myself in the mirror and ask myself some very tough questions.  One such question is, “what is it about me that attracts men who are either afraid of or not looking for commitment?  What from my past…what spirit is on me that continues to lead me to these types of men?”  Some would say it’s not me at all.  But I believe that if I am consistently attracting the opposite of what I want then there is something within me that needs to be addressed.

I recently read a blog titled, Fellas, Stop Waiting So Long to Get Married!  The author of the blog addresses the expectations that men have and how to reset their outdated ways of thinking.  It was a very informative and enlightening read but the author’s first bullet point is what struck a nerve in me and inspired this blog:

  • Belief in marriage – You (men) must have a value system that believes the institution of marriage is something that is good.  This valuing began in your childhood, most likely from your family.

When I first read this statement it was like sirens started going off and lights began flashing. I became captivated by that proclamation and immediately took a trip down memory lane.  I thought about the engagement that was called off. I thought about the plans that were made. I thought about the things that were said. I thought about the number of times I entered a Zales jewelry store and tried on the ring of my dreams. I thought about the number of business cards that were collected that had the serial number of said rings.  So many thoughts crossed my mind that all culminated into one painful thought: “why in the name of all that is holy am I not married?” I’ll tell you why, because I have dated men who said they wanted marriage but the reality was, they did not.

engagement ring

Now, I know what you are probably wondering.  You are probably thinking is it possible they just did not want to marry me—and you have every right to think that.  And while I do not have an answer to that question I will say neither of them are married to date.  So who really knows? But what I will say as I continue my trip down memory lane is that there were other conversations that should have raised red flags but did not.  The “other conversations that contradicted the marriage conversations.  Conversations such as, ‘why do we need a piece of paper to define what we have?’ Or the conversations that went from “when” to “if I get married. And let’s not forget the endless dissections of the failed marriages of others and how marriage is outdated and does not work.  All red flags that I ignored because I was “in love” and thought they would eventually change their mind.  Well they did not and here I am.

But all is not lost. I learned some very valuable lessons.  But more importantly I see what God saw; I was not ready to be a wife that would glorify God, and they were not the man God wants to give my heart too.  The bigger issue to be addressed was it was time to stop doing it my way and allow God to have his way in this area of my life that I had not surrendered to him.  It was time to take my eyes off a relationship with a man and focus on the most important relationship I will ever have—my relationship with God.  It is only by this relationship that I will ever be able to develop into a wife.

My journey of healing has introduced me to opportunities that I see as divine intervention; all part of the Master’s plan to move me beyond healing to wholeness.  One such opportunity is being introduced to the work of author Cheesette Cowan who wrote a book titled How to Cultivate a Marriage Mindset.  Seeing myself in the author’s own journey has caused me to have several jaw-dropping aha moments.  One such moment came after reading this:

“Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a {true} wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

Why then are wives so hard to find? I will tell you why, because so many women are looking and waiting for a man to label them as a wife, when the reality is Jesus is your husband and in order to be found as a wife to your natural husband, you must be first found as a wife to Him. You see, we have to realize that this scripture describes a woman who is already walking, operating and excelling in the role of a wife when this man finds her.  She is already a wife.  She is not waiting on him to find her so she can then start acting like a wife. Ladies, this is why our marriage to Jesus is so important.  It is only going to be under His loving care that you begin to be molded and adapted into the wife that a man can’t help but notice.  Understand that a wife is just a woman until someone calls her a wife; and the only someone who can make that name call is God. Why? Because it’s only by His design and molding, not your husband’s, that a woman develops into a wife.  A woman is what God created you to be by nature; a wife is who He shapes you to be for purpose.”

In those commitment phobic relationships that I thought I wanted, God knew that I was not ready because I had not yet surrendered to Him to be shaped into a wife for purpose. God kept it from happening because he knew that not only would I had been hurt in the process so would others.  I realize that my desire for marriage is divine and because of this God needs to make sure that I am really ready because he has a greater purpose beyond my limited thinking.  When God says it is time and he reveals the man he has given my heart too there is nothing or no one that will be able to stop it.


“What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” ~ Matthew 19:6


About Shannon D. Robinson

Shannon Robinson Born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland (Go Ravens!!!), I discovered early on that I am very opinionated and passionate about my opinions. This has brought on the realization for me that I think differently from most people and it took some time for me to come to grips with that unique side of me. Writing for me is often an escape. A place I can go with my thoughts and opinions and not have to concern myself with offending anyone or not agreeing with someone. My thoughts and opinions are mine and God’s and I know that He doesn’t judge me on them. My writing is a personal journey that allows me to be transparent with self (and sometimes others) as I believe that nothing I have experienced or gone through on this journey called life was meant for me to keep to myself. Somewhere there is another woman who is experiencing or has experienced the very same things, thoughts, and feelings I have and it is my prayer that my story in some small way helps her to see that she too can come through. While at the same time giving God glory for his wondrous works. I appreciate you for stopping by and sharing in my journey as I try my absolute best to navigate it as smoothly as possible; even when I come across detours and bumps along the way. ~ Hotep

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