During the month of August an American comedy titled Born Again Virgin premiered on TV One. The show stars Danielle Nicolet, Eva Marcille, Tank, and Meagan Holder. It is about a 34 year old up and coming blogger who decides to become celibate when she finds her body count is starting to trump her age, using her blog as encouragement for her newly adapted sex diet and also as a sounding board for her girlfriends’ often amusing “sexcapades.”
When I saw the previews for Born Again Virgin I was a little skeptical. We (humans) have an uncanny knack for taking an otherwise positive idea and turning it into utter foolishness. But after watching a few episodes I have concluded that the show is rather funny and that I have a lot in common with Jenna, the main character. Like Jenna, I am a blogger. And like Jenna I have decided to become celibate (or abstinent depended upon if you believe they are one in the same or different). My reason however is different from Jenna’s. My “body count” is not even in the same area of my age…unlike Jenna. But rather my heart could no longer take the overall feeling of being used then tossed aside when no longer wanted. That may be a bit extreme but it is how it felt for me.
Ironically, the decision to practice celibacy was made two years into my last relationship fail. Is that a puzzled look on your face? Allow me to explain. You see, I was already tired of the BS that I had experienced in previous relationship fails and I was hoping beyond hope that the last one would be different. But even though I was hoping for a different outcome I had in my heart secretly sabotaged it when I professed, “If this does not progress to marriage I will not have sex again until marriage.” Side note…be mindful of what you speak in the atmosphere.
Well, as it turned out, the relationship ended and I made the declaration, THIS IS IT! The next man who was allowed into the cookie jar will be my husband. I wish I could tell you my decision was a spiritual one. I wish I could tell you that I come to myself and decided to follow scripture which promotes abstinence. But I can’t. My initial decision was purely based off the fact that I was fed up. Now, I can admit to you that after the relationship ended and I began to process the raw emotions that I was experiencing, I heard that Still Small Voice asks, “Are you ready to do it my way now?” And in a wounded little girl voice I replied, “Yes Father.” So here I am…waiting; really “waiting” this time. Determined to keep a lock on my treasure until the man God decides to give my heart to makes me his wife. This is not an easy journey. I pray daily (sometimes more) for God’s Strength and Grace to continue along this path. I pray daily for God to help me keep myself out of precarious situations that could result in my falling. And I pray every day that God will provide a way of escape if I’m tempted. This celibacy lifestyle is not easy. Sometimes it’s downright painful. I desire to be hugged and kissed and admired and touched, but I’m at a place in my life where my desire for those things can no longer be at the expense of my heart.
However, as painful as it can be it is an awesome journey. I have so much more peace. I am more focused. It allows me to really see a person and any red flags without the complications of sex. And I’m rediscovering me…spending energy that was otherwise spent on sex, on self-improvement outlets such as learning to blog, writing a chapter in a book, traveling, forming deeper friendships, etc. I am discovering the woman I have lost over the years in each relationship fail. I am cleaning my womb of the residue of those who did not truly love me and preparing it for my husband. I am restoring my emotional, spiritual and physical well being.
Unlike Jenna I will not be blogging about my girlfriends’ “sexcapades.” But I will continue to share my journey with hopes that maybe some other soul who is tired of the pain, hurt, disappointment and overall raw emotion felt after giving yourself to a man (or woman) only to have the relationship fail, will be inspired to want to begin their own journey of celibacy. As for me, I’m going to continue on my discovery of the woman God created me to be. And continue the journey of preparation for my King.