Monthly Archives: October 2015

Can A Sistah Get A Date?!

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It has been ten months since my relationship ended. The time has been well spent reflecting on what lessons I learned from the relationship as well as healing from the reality that it ended. I have begun preparing my mind for marriage covenant with my #FutureHusband by studying God’s word and learning what it means to be a godly wife; while also committing to a lifestyle of abstinence until marriage. And if I may be honest, it has been a refreshing and peaceful experience. But as refreshing and peaceful as it has been I have but one question……

Can a sistah get a date?!!

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with taking myself out on a date. In fact, just last weekend I took myself to dinner and we had a great time sitting at the bar, eating and talking to people. I will go to the movies with myself. I have been to concerts with myself. I will go for nature walks with myself. And one day soon, I am even going to take a vacation with myself. But sometimes I would like to go on a date with someone other than myself.

By now you are probably wondering if I have any girlfriends. Of course I do! I love spending time with my girls. They are amazing women. We laugh together. We cry together. We share together. We encourage one another. We celebrate one another. My relationship with my girls is important to me and I thank God for them. But, even still…..

Can a sistah get a date?!!

Can I go to dinner or to the movies or maybe dancing with a gentleman friend? Maybe we can take a drive or a walk and mentally stimulate one another with our conversation. What we do……well minus the whole “Netflix and chill” thing…..doesn’t really matter. I just want to know….

Can a sistah get a date?!!

Can a sistah get a date?!!

Can….A…. Sistah…. Get…. A…. Date?!!

Me

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They did not choose you….Now what?

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They did not choose you….Now what?

On this journey called life every one of us will experience a time where we are not chosen for something.  A time where there was a better option.  Maybe there was a better candidate for the dream job you applied for.  Maybe you were rejected by friends or even family.  Maybe you did not get accepted to the Ivy League school you desired to attend. Or maybe the man or woman that you loved chose another over you.  Whatever the reason, no one likes the feeling of being rejected.  No one likes to feel that they were not the best choice. Rejection can cause our self-esteem to take a devastating setback.  Rejection can bring on feelings of doubt.  Rejection can bring on feelings of unworthiness.  But even worse, rejection can cause us to give up on the very thing that we desire.

Earlier this year I read an excerpt from the book “Purpose. An Immigrant’s Story” by rapper, musician, and actor Wyclef Jean.  In the excerpt Wyclef discusses his success with the group the Fugee’s.  But, he also talks about how he loved two women….at the same time.  Wyclef discusses the love he had for singer, songwriter, and rapper Lauryn Hill who was also a member of the Fugee’s.  But he also loved the woman who would eventually become his wife.  He loved them at the same time but he loved them for very different reasons.

Their love for music is what drew Wyclef to Lauryn.  “He loved her mind.  He loved her musical genius. He loved her artistic side as she shared her knowledge of soul music with him.  He describes what he felt for Lauryn as love and lust; being more intense than some teenage romance because they knew themselves.  It was the type of pure love that burns bright but burns out fast.”

However, he also loved Claudinette, the woman he would marry.  By his own admission he was in love with her.  “Claudinette was older.  She was established. She was pursuing a modeling career.  In his eyes she was like Wonder Woman.  She was supportive of Wyclef’s dreams and passions.  She encouraged him to pursue what he was passionate about.  She believed in him and made him feel like a million bucks.  It’s hard to explain, but I was in love with both of them.  I was torn between the impossible love affair, the whirlwind artist romance, and the solid, good woman who demanded respect.  So my life became crazy, because I was in the middle and each of them was passionate about me in a different way.  I knew I had to do something. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life.  It wasn’t clean and simple.”

It is said that nothing happens by coincidence and it was not coincidence that I read this excerpt right at the time my relationship ended.  I truly believe that God was trying to give me insight into what was taking place in my life at that moment.  As I continue to navigate through this season of healing and preparation, I have had to face the harsh reality of rejection.  I had to pray and ask God to help me through my own season of not being chosen.  To say the least it was a hard pill to swallow as I considered all I gave in the relationship only to have him return to the arms of another woman.  I was, with him, what I had never been to any other man.  Ironically, I saw this happening a year into the relationship.  I hear my mother’s voice telling me to pay attention to the handwriting on the wall because when I tell you the berries are ripe get your bucket and start picking.  I believe God was trying to warn me of the impending disaster but I chose to ignore his warning like I had done so many times before.  I chose instead to believe the man when he told me repeatedly that it was over and they were done.

His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers!~ Psalm 55:21

It was however not done, and after 4 years and 7 months of a passionate, intense, and confusing love affair, I learned he and this woman were discussing reconciling.  I guess I should not have been surprised.  I mean, God did try to warn me three years prior and before learning of the reconciliation God warned me again through a dream.  But I was hurt.  No, I WAS MAD AS HELL!!!!!! And I expressed that anger in some very choice words for him.  I wanted so badly to hate him for the rest of my life. But seriously….who was I really mad at? Him? No. I was, once I was able to admit it, mad at myself. Why? Because I failed to heed the Red Flags.

The man did not choose you….Now what?

It is well with my soul.  What God has for me is for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

God choose me. God choose me even before I chose.

“Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become His children.” 1 Peter 1:2

As I navigate this season of healing I have given my pain to God.  Jesus told me that I can come to him and He would give me rest (Matthew 11:28). My heart is safe with him.  He is massaging my broken heart and binding up my wounds (Psalm 147:13).  He is concerned about everything that concerns me (Psalm 138:8).  And there is no pain that He cannot feel.  He sympathizes with me. And He has promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

I have placed my heart back in the hands of the One who created it.  It is safe with Him. I have surrendered to his process of healing.  I mentioned at the beginning of this blog that rejection can cause us to give up on the very thing that we desire.  Well I desire to be married some day. But I need to allow God to have his way in my life to better prepare me for the man He gives my hear t too.

He did not choose you….Now what?

I do not hate the man. I have forgiven him. I have forgiven myself. I wish them well. Maybe the second time around will be better for them.  As for me, my king is waiting on me.  And I plan to be ready when he is revealed.

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