Monthly Archives: November 2015

The Holiday Blues



Cue the romantic holiday movies and the syrupy love songs describing snow filled days spent by the fireplace with your boo. And lest we forget the Jared, Zales, and Kay jeweler commercials which I’m sure pressures unsuspecting men into proposing to their girlfriend during the Christmas holiday.  It is enough to make singles puke.  Or, is that just me?

Seriously though Christmas and the holidays in general are suppose to be a season of Hope, Love, Thankfulness and Giving. It is a time when Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Christ.  It’s the season of miracles. But for many, it’s anything but.  For so many people it is the beginning of the holiday blues.  The time when depression sets in and lasts straight through New Year’s Day.

It’s the time when loved ones are missed (regardless of how many years they have been gone). For some, a chair that was occupied last year will be empty this year. For others it’s a reminder that they are still single and everything around them makes them hate that very fact.  It’s a reality for so many that should not be taken lightly.

For me, well, yes it’s another holiday season that I will spend single. I’m sort of over that reality though.  I mean, truth be told I’ve been single for a very long time.  I was thinking when was the last time I actually spent a holiday season with someone special.  I had to go back to the year 2000!!!! Kind of pitiful if you ask me.  Not because it’s been that long. But because I’ve been in relationships since then but every Christmas after 2000 was spent alone.  #UtterlyRidiculous #WhatWasIThinking

It’s also another holiday season without my mom and dad. As a kid we didn’t have much.  My mom did the best she could and Christmas was not high on the list.  I remember the first Christmas I was home from active duty.  I wanted us to have a nice Christmas and I spent an absurd amount of money to ensure that.  It was fabulous!!  But as I look toward Christmas 2015, I’m just reminded that they are not here….and I miss them terribly.

But I won’t sit at home depressed or anything. Even if I’m home I understand that regardless who is no longer here, Jesus is always with me.  That gives me comfort.  That keeps me pressing forward.  That is enough for me.

But for so many, it’s not. So as you prepare for the holidays…as you are shopping and preparing dinner and thinking of the great time you will have with family, I ask that you stop…even if it’s just for a second…and think about those who will be alone, those who are homeless, those who are sad and depressed and may be contemplating suicide, and say a pray for them.  And if you know anyone that will be alone this holiday season, open your door and your heart to them.  You never know how you blessing someone else may in turn be a blessing to you.

~ Hotep


Follow-Up To ‘Can A Sistah Get A Date’

Follow-Up To ‘Can A Sistah Get A Date’

My blog post ‘Can A Sistah Get A Date’ sparked interesting conversation. I learned that a few of my readers were asking themselves the same question.  One reader asked, “Did I write this or did you?!”  Others shared that prior to marrying; they had not had a date in 5, 6, even 7 years.  And then there were my male readers who offered that women ask the question but really do not want to know the reason why.  I really did want to know but never got a response.  I’m still waiting on that by the way (hint hint).  Still, I was happy to see the conversation taking place.

But I must let you in on a little secret. The question, ‘can a sistah get a date’ was not a plea for a date.  In fact, it was just the opposite.  It was a realization that of the few relationships that I have had, we never actually dated first.  Most people meet, go out a few times, they talk, they spend time getting to know one another and then at some point decide if they want to pursue a relationship with one another.  Somehow, the ex’s and I skipped the dating and went right to relationship.  I hadn’t considered this until recently as I’ve been doing some self-reflection and realized the dating started after the relationship began.  I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked about this revelation.  I’ve said for years that I hate the dating process.  Dating always seemed to feel as though an audition was taking place. It just never seemed fun to me. But that may have had a lot to do with my attitude towards it.  Nevertheless I have never dated….really.

Dating has become hard though; especially with the birth of social media. The concept of dating in 2015 is quite different than when I was in my 20’s.  Now, “Netflix and Chill” consists of a date (I still think that is code for ‘let’s have sex’).   The idea of actually having a conversation with someone either in person or over the telephone is foreign.  Now everything is text messaging, IM, or Facebook messaging.   And speaking of Facebook, it has become a barometer for our relationship.  If the new boo doesn’t change his or her Facebook status to reflect that they are in a relationship, an argument ensues.  If the new boo doesn’t post pictures of their significant other or talk about their relationship on social media then that means they must be cheating.  Or quite the opposite happens; two people meet and before the relationship has time to develop its all over Facebook and then three months later it’s over and here comes the subtle posts bashing the relationship.  I want to put myself in a time capsule and go back to a time when dating was simpler, when men were gentlemen, when love was praised, and music was about the beauty of love and sex and not #trapqueens, #sidechicks, and #thesehoesaintloyal.  It seems the days of Marvin Gaye singing #DistantLover and The Chi-Lites asking #HaveYouSeenHer are long gone.  Or how about Eddie Levert and the OJays telling us that they cried with their baby last night and then started making love.  Remember Teena Marie #DearLover? And Luther Vandross #AHouseIsNotAHome?  And this blog wouldn’t be complete without the masters of love and sex The Isley Brothers.  Times have surely changed and so have I.

I’ve changed because honestly, I don’t want to date. Not in the typical fashion.  I date with a purpose.  I no longer have time to waste on dating Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike.  I just want to meet the person I am going to spend the remainder of my life with and get married. I don’t want to date this person and that person.  I don’t want to sex this person and that person.  I want to marry, date, and love my husband for the rest of my life.  Is that too much to ask for?

Maybe for some it is; and that is ok. I know what my truth is and I am comfortable with my truth.  And the man God has chosen to give my heart to……..he also will be comfortable with my truth because it will also be his truth.  Until such time… King’s throne is reserved.