My journey as a Christian has taught me many valuable lessons. One of the biggest lessons has been never ask God what next. Never ask what else can go wrong because life has a way of showing exactly what else can go wrong. I have learned, and honestly still learning, to face every obstacle, every challenge, and every storm head on and see it has an opportunity for growth. To see it all as another opportunity for God to show up in my life and show out. But that revelation does not happen right away.
As I continued to struggle with lust I also found myself struggling with trusting God. Trusting that God would provide. Trusting that God would take care of me. Trusting God’s word in general. I discovered that the slightest financial setback sent me into a tailspin. If I didn’t have the things I needed or wanted I felt useless. I couldn’t function. I literally could not breathe.
I recall a time in 2003 when things were really tight financially. I was struggling to pay the rent. I was having a hard time paying other bills. And food…..well let’s just say cobwebs were growing in my refrigerator. I was stressed, and one day I was at home thinking about my predicament when I became so overwhelmed at the thought of it all that I laid in the floor and screamed and cried until I made myself sick.
I called my mother because I knew that mommy would know what to do. But her advice to me was God will work it all out baby, trust him. I didn’t believe that God could work it all out. Or maybe I thought he would not work it all out for me. I saw what he did for my mother. I witnessed firsthand her trust and faith in God that was so solid that regardless of what she did not have she paid her tithes, faithfully. And I watched how God met every one of her needs. I saw this with my own two eyes and yet I had a hard time believing.
I admired my mother’s faith. I wanted faith like that. But I continued to struggle. I was the person who as long as everything was good I was good. But at the first sign of trouble I panicked. I worried. I lived in fear. I became anxious. All things God said not to do.
But I would learn. Oh how I would learn to trust God and walk by faith.