Now that I have your attention, I have decided to wait until I am married to have sex. Let me be clear, this is my decision and I in no way judge or have any thoughts towards anyone who does not share in my conviction. This personal decision is one I made to God when my last relationship ended.
You may be wondering why I am writing a blog about this subject. Blogging is an outlet for me. And as my Sister-in-Christ so eloquently puts it, nothing in my life is a secret. I am transparent because God knows. So why am I keeping anything from anyone else. And when God uses my life to help someone else, then that is another slap in the Devils face. But I digress.
My last relationship lasted 3 years 7 months. I did not ask God was this a relationship I should enter. Had I asked God I’m sure I would have heard a resounding NO! And so I went in….and I went in hard. At year two I said to a friend, “if this relationship does not go the distance (marriage), I am done with sex until marriage.” Well, they say be careful what you put in the atmosphere. I imagine Jesus saying, “That was all I needed to hear.”
Around year three I began to hear God tell me to walk away. He was giving me reason after reason after reason to walk away. He even showed me that the relationship would end AND showed me the reason why it would end. But I ignored him. I was weak. And I said, “God, I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to do it.” Again, I imagined Jesus saying, “I got you. When you’re weak I Am strong.” And so in a dream God showed me the reason again and it was confirmed. At that point God gave me the strength to walk away.
I was “single” and determined to wait on my husband. An entire year passed. And then I fell. I gave in to my flesh. I heard the Holy Spirit say, “what are you doing? I was angry with myself. But what I knew was, while God was disappointed in me, my setback did not surprise Him and He was ready to forgive me and give me another chance.
Not everyone understands. Most think I am crazy. But that’s ok. The opinions of others regarding this matter, no longer matter. Someone even said, “you probably don’t like sex anyway.” To that, I laugh. Nothing is farther from the truth. The truth is after doing a self-reflection, after reflecting on my past relationships, I realized I’m tired. I’m tired of giving myself and getting nothing. For me, it’s not that deep. For me, my desire for the covenant of marriage is greater than the feeling of a fleeting sexual experience. For me, I’m tired of lying down only to get back up and still feel the same way. I’m tired. And it was enough for me to say no more.
Someone else said, “No man is going to wait until marriage for sex.” To which I respond, my husband will. The man whom is my husband will respect my decision and protect it. The man who only wanted to bed me….he won’t wait….and I’m good with that.
And if you’re wondering what happens if after waiting the sex is disappointing; trust me, I’ve thought about that. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s not enough to find myself again in the same predicament. I talk to God about that. And I believe it will all work out for my good.
Now, hear me…..this is FAR from easy. I have good and bad days. But after reading #TheWait with my book club, I found the encouragement and determination to press forward. To find ways to keep my mind off the fact that I’m not having sex. I pray…everyday…for God’s strength to do this; to get through every minute of every hour of every day…literally. And all glory to God, He has kept me. And when I find myself missing sex or missing someone, I hear the Holy Spirit say, “what do you miss? Disappointment? Feelings of loneliness? Sadness? What?” And I humbly reply, “forgive me.”
It’s not easy. I could fall again. I’m not immune and I will not act like I have it all together. But God…..He is my strength. He is keeping me. He is my help. With Him I can do all things. I have the victory in Jesus name.