Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4
Psalm 37:4 is one of the many passages of scripture where many take what they want and discard the rest. We want God to give us the desires of our heart……and that’s it. It reminds me of a quote I read recently that said, “We really don’t want God’s will, we just want him to do what we want.”
But this blog isn’t about how we sometimes pimp God. This blog is concerning the desires of my heart. Anyone who knows me or follows me, know that I desire to be a wife. I have not always had this desire however. As a teenager my cousin and I dreamed of living our lives as single career women who traveled the world. We had no desire to be tied down playing wife and mother. But not long after joining the military I met a man who would change my entire perception on marriage and make me want to purchase my ticket for the exciting, thrilling, sometimes tumultuous ride called marriage. His love, not only in word but in deed as well, made me want to be a wife…his wife.
As fate would have it, I would not become that man’s wife and I prayed, “God, I want to be married. I thought we would be married.” And I heard God say, “You will be married; just not right now.” I heard the voice of God just as clear as I heard the melodic song of the birds that warm spring morning. God told me that I would be married, just not right now.
That was May 2001, and as I approach the half century mark I find myself questioning if I really heard God’s voice. Did God really say I would be married? Or was that what I wanted to hear and so I convinced myself that it was God? I will admit I was new on my Christian journey. I was still feeding off milk. But I had heard God’s voice one or two times prior so I was certain that he had spoken to me that warm spring morning, reassuring me that I would be married. Yet here I am no longer sure. And oftentimes struggle with whether or not God’s plan for my life includes marriage. I know he has a plan for me because he told me in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and hope.” But I’m just not sure….questioning even……if God’s plan for my life includes being a wife; and I find myself on the cusp of peace and frustration, praying for the grace to accept that marriage may not be God’s perfect will for my life.
Let’s be honest, fifteen years is a long time to wait for something. Fifteen years is a long time to maintain hope for something you have desired. Psalm 13:12 says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life”. And what I have also come to understand as I have graduated from feeding off milk to now feeding on meat is that God has no concept of time. At least not how I understand time. Fifteen years to me is a very long time to wait for something. But the Bible says in 2 Peter 3:8 that, “With the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day”. And so I wait. Waiting for the manifestation of the promise I believe God made to me. Waiting for God to bless me with the desire of my heart.
Recently, a woman of God that I am growing to admire, and whom I am gleaning a lot from, challenged my thought process that maybe marriage is not God’s will for my life. That maybe I am destined to live my life as a single woman. I have been challenged on this before. My pastor said on many occasions that not every pot has a lid. And I would become so angry when he would say that because I knew what God had told me! But time marched on and now this woman of God said to me, “God gave you the desire. And therefore the desire shall manifest itself in your life. If God did not intend for you to be married, he would not have given you the desire”. Her statement breathed life in my dying hope. It was the oxygen I needed to continue to believe that God’s will for me is marriage. It simply is not time. And so I have a renewed sense of hope. I’m holding on to the last thing God said to me concerning marriage and standing on his word that “When the desire comes, it is a tree of life”! A tree whose root digs deep and trunks establishes a strong foundation, allowing the branches to reach out for sustenance, the leaves to collect strength, bearing fruit that gives of itself (universe of symbolism).
And so, though I am unable to see it right now, when God sends #DearFutureHusband, it will all make sense. The experiences, the tears, the heartaches, the time spent in the fiery furnace, are all part of the Master’s plan to ensure that me (the tree) is rooted deep in God and his word that I may bear fruit within in my marriage. And so I wait. Waiting on God to manifest in my life the promise that he made to me. The promise that I will be married. God gave me this desire and because he did it shall come to pass because God never breaks a promise.