I Ain’t Never Loved A Man…..

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“If toxic love is so miserable, why is the thought of losing it more miserable?” ~ Dr Antonio Borrello, @eDatingDr

Today’s blog post is inspired by Dr Antonio Borrello and the Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin.

In the opening stanza of Aretha Franklin’s hit song titled, “I Never Loved A Man”, she sings;

 “You’re a no good heart breaker

You’re a liar and you’re a cheat

And I don’t know why

I let you do these things to me

My friends keep telling me

That you ain’t no good

But oh, but they don’t know

That I’d leave you if I could.”

 That, my friends, is clear evidence of a toxic relationship. The Queen of Soul goes on to sing;

 “Some time ago I thought

You had run out of fools

But I was so wrong

You got one that you’ll never lose

The way you treat me is a shame

How could ya hurt me so bad

Baby, you know that I’m the best thing

That you ever had.”

 Toxic, Toxic, TOXIC!!! We have all been there right? In a relationship that we know is not healthy for us. In a relationship where we are abused emotionally, physically, financially, and even sexually. We know we should leave. And yet we stay. We stay for a myriad of reasons. I stayed because I never loved a man the way that I loved him.

I thought he would change. I prayed he would change. I hoped he would finally see and understand the depth of the love that I had for him. I wanted him to be so overtaken by the love I had for him and was showing him, and that he would finally come to his senses and profess his undying love for me and we would sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Ok, that’s a bit too Cinderellaish. But I honestly wanted this man; the one that I exposed my heart for and every bit of my soul, to love me as I loved him. But it never happened. At least not right away.

When I read Dr Borello’s quote it resonated with me. I was in a toxic relationship and yet I couldn’t imagine being without him. The relationship wasn’t toxic to the point where I was in danger; but simply because I felt sad, anxious, lonely, and hurt more than I felt anything else; and that alone made it toxic. And yet, even though I knew God was telling me to walk away, I could not on my own strength. I was paralyzed by the thought of life without him. I was a slave to the love I felt in my heart for him. And no amount of toxicity was going to allow me to simply walk away. I knew this. I recognized it in myself. But I had enough sense to know that when I call on the name of Jesus, HE will do what I was unable to do. So I did just that, and I prayed “Lord, I am not strong enough to walk away. You are going to have to remove him.” And God, in his infinite power and wisdom, and the depth of his love for me, did just that. He removed what was toxic.

It hurt.  It hurt like hell.  I was so deeply wounded that as I processed the stages of grief, I became angry.  Angry at him, yes.  But I was more angry at myself.  Angry for being so weak that I was unable to walk away from a toxic relationship.  But then I remembered God’s promise that His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

And so my road to healing began.  God massaged my heart.  God bound up my wounds.  God gave me peace in the anxious moments.  God held me when I cried and wiped away my tears.  And when I said I missed that man, God asked me why?  What did you miss?  Do you miss feeling lonely?  Do you miss feeling sad?  Do you miss the hurt and pain?  What exactly do you miss?  And in that moment, I humbled myself and asked God to forgive me. I praise God for healing.  I praised God for restoration.  I praise God for doing for me what I often struggle to do for myself.

And that man?  He did come to his senses.  He did realize exactly what he had in me.  And he did profess his love for me and how stupid he was.  But as my mother would say, “You don’t miss your water until your well runs dry.”  Its a shame.  But its no longer my concern.

~ Hotep

 

 

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About Shannon D. Robinson

Shannon Robinson Born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland (Go Ravens!!!), I discovered early on that I am very opinionated and passionate about my opinions. This has brought on the realization for me that I think differently from most people and it took some time for me to come to grips with that unique side of me. Writing for me is often an escape. A place I can go with my thoughts and opinions and not have to concern myself with offending anyone or not agreeing with someone. My thoughts and opinions are mine and God’s and I know that He doesn’t judge me on them. My writing is a personal journey that allows me to be transparent with self (and sometimes others) as I believe that nothing I have experienced or gone through on this journey called life was meant for me to keep to myself. Somewhere there is another woman who is experiencing or has experienced the very same things, thoughts, and feelings I have and it is my prayer that my story in some small way helps her to see that she too can come through. While at the same time giving God glory for his wondrous works. I appreciate you for stopping by and sharing in my journey as I try my absolute best to navigate it as smoothly as possible; even when I come across detours and bumps along the way. ~ Hotep

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