What If I Fail?

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What If I Fail?

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending a meeting with a dynamic group of women from varying backgrounds with different life experiences, all sharing one common thread…..they were all wives. Of the group of women who had gathered there were two of us who were single. I had really been looking forward to this meeting because the host is full of so much wisdom and she really speaks to my heart as a single woman desiring marriage.

The meeting was opened with an ice breaker. The host handed each women a card and we were tasked to ask three different women their respective answers to the question. The questions varied, but the one that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is, “What are your thoughts regarding marriage?” My response to that question was, “it frightens me.” I do not remember if I gave a reason why but the more I’ve thought about it since the meeting, I have come to the realization that marriage frightens me because I am scared of failing as a wife.

The irony, right? I desire marriage. I want to be a wife. I’m working on me and building a foundation to equip me with wisdom going in; and yet I’m afraid of failing. Now, to some people that would be a good sign. Some may say that if I weren’t afraid they would question that. And then others may say if you are afraid then maybe you are not ready for marriage. I don’t know where you may fall on that spectrum, but what I do know is this girl is scared.

I hear the stories…good, bad, and indifferent. I’ve read Proverbs 31. I watch the Christian movies. I listen to testimonies. I write down every single piece of nugget that is dropped in my spirit. And yet I’m scared. Scared of failing my husband. Scared that I won’t be the woman he needs. Scared I’ll disappoint him. I know….it’s crazy. It’s crazy because God hasn’t given me the spirit of fear; but of love, of power, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1 :&).  I understand that and I tell myself that constantly. But still, there is a piece of me that can’t help but to be afraid.

I shared in another blog that I took my pastors words literally to not wait until I am a wife to start acting like one. I began treating my then boyfriend as though he were my husband. I cooked for him. I cleaned for him. I did his laundry. I did everything for him! And I remember one day we were talking after the relationship ended and he said to me, “you will be an amazing wife.”

Now if that is all it takes then I guess I will be an amazing wife. But what about supporting him (even when I don’t agree)? What about submitting to him (even when I don’t agree)? What about encouraging him when the world brings him down? What about praying for him (even when I’m mad as hell at him)? Will I seek every day to be a blessing to him or will I allow my feelings to get in the away of that? Will I be his biggest cheerleader or will I be too concerned about me?  Will he be able to trust me with his deepest secrets?  Will I honor and respect him as a man of God and as my spiritual leader?  Will I believe in his dreams and calling?  Will I honor him both privately and publicly?  Will I have a desire to please him?  There is so much more to marriage than cooking, cleaning, laundry, and sex. And I am afraid of failing the man that I have waited so long for.

Marriage, I’m assuming, is much like parenting, you never know what you will get. However, it is my prayer that my husband and I are both committed to seeing our marriage succeed.  The good news is that I am reminded that God never said we won’t fail.  Failure is inevitable and yes it happens even to this in Christ.  But, it’s not whether or not I fail my husband at some point in our marriage; it’s what I do after the failure.  Will I allow the failure to defeat me or will I choose to ask God and my husband to forgive me and try again?  I know that without God my marriage will not succeed.  I need to keep him at the forefront of everything that I do.  Keeping my eyes on my Savior, listening to and obeying his word, will help me to do as Hebrews 12:1 commands, “……let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

 Dear Future Husband, I am perfectly imperfect. I pray that we will always remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us.  I pray that we will always remember to work that love into practical things so that nothing will ever divide us.  I pray that we always remember to ask for words both kind and loving and that our hearts will always be ready to ask for forgiveness as well as to forgive.  Dear Future Husband, before even meeting you I place our marriage into the Lord’s hands.

~ Mrs. Future

Hotep

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About Shannon Robinson

Shannon Robinson Born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland (Go Ravens!!!), I discovered early on that I am very opinionated and passionate about my opinions. This has brought on the realization for me that I think differently from most people and it took some time for me to come to grips with that unique side of me. Writing for me is often an escape. A place I can go with my thoughts and opinions and not have to concern myself with offending anyone or not agreeing with someone. My thoughts and opinions are mine and God’s and I know that He doesn’t judge me on them. My writing is a personal journey that allows me to be transparent with self (and sometimes others) as I believe that nothing I have experienced or gone through on this journey called life was meant for me to keep to myself. Somewhere there is another woman who is experiencing or has experienced the very same things, thoughts, and feelings I have and it is my prayer that my story in some small way helps her to see that she too can come through. While at the same time giving God glory for his wondrous works. I appreciate you for stopping by and sharing in my journey as I try my absolute best to navigate it as smoothly as possible; even when I come across detours and bumps along the way. ~ Hotep

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